Bear Attack

It happened at midnight, a strange noise came from the kitchen. I got up as fast as I could and ran barefoot with a hammer in my right hand. I could see the light was on. But who was there at 2 am? I live alone with my wife and children, she was not there that night because the company she works for had a convention in another city. The kids were at their grandmother's (my mother) in still another city on vacation. I had had two bad nights with nightmares and all and now this! As I approached the kitchen I suddenly saw a shadow... wow... it was a bear, those big brown ones. But how the heck had it got into the house. It was winter, no bears roam around my cabin in winter. Strange. He had not smelled me yet, but I could not count on that for long. I decided to grasp the door’s knob and lock it before the beast could react... but I slipped. Oh No! The bear was busy eating something out of the cellar and he growled as he turned around to face me. He was only a few feet from me. I was helpless there lying awkwardly on the floor and the hammer had slipped out of my hand as well. Good Lord. I was in trouble. If I did not react quickly I would be part of this bear's dinner. Luckily as the monster approached me ever so slowly he too slipped. It seems he had emptied a jar full of syrup and had spilled most of it on the floor. This gave me the chance to get up and run. I reached the living room and grabbed my Winchester, which I only use to shoot into the air to frighten the wolves and bears when I walk in the wild. I hate killing animals for fun, they have the right to live in the wilderness, we are the intruders there. But this was now a different case. Such an unexpected visitor. My wife would've had a fit, luckily I was on my own, or was I lucky in the end? Anyway, I ran outside, into the bitter cold snowy night, still barefoot I circled the house nearing the kitchen. I could see the smashed window where the bear had come in. Now he was no where to be seen. “He must've gone further into the house,” I thought. But a sudden heavy breathing behind my back gave me goose bumps and scared me to death. I turned around and shot one round. But there was nothing there. “How... “ I was puzzled. I could not make out what had happened. I ran again into the house and there it was, tearing at the furniture, destroying everything in its way. I loaded the riffle once again and made two shots not aiming at my visitor but at the ceiling. The beast instantly ran and crashed into one of the living room windows to get lost in the dark night. But still the breathing behind my back continued. I could almost feel the breath on my neck and the growling was terrifying. Good Heavens. What to do and how to get rid of this horrendous situation. Was it a ghost? Maybe. But I decided to check. Slowly I started turning around and to my surprise the kitchen light was out now. I had not turned it off. Someone else was there. But who? Someone who had led the bear into my house. My mind rushed through its memory files at the speed of light. Which enemies had I these days? I could only think of my mother-in-law, she hates me a lot. Why? I can’t tell for certain, but I guess it is because we live too near her and my wife seldom visits her. On top, trying to be nice to her, I am the only one who visits her quite often with the kids during the week after school, while my wife is still at the office. I am the opposite of all males these days, I stay at home working on my computer while my wife commutes to work everyday. Too much for me, I decided to live a more tranquil life, which my wife can’t stand, she needs the adrenaline of a sales person, nudging and nagging at her clients all day long almost 24/7 – she makes many calls on the weekends. So my old fashioned mother-in-law thinks I am to blame for her daughter not visiting her. Now the light went on again. I slowly approached the kitchen expecting another bear or so. But to my surprise there she was… my mother-in-law, of course. She was cleaning the mess that the bear had left. She looked and smiled at me as I entered the kitchen. The expression on my face and the looks of me must’ve made her smile, but now she was laughing, laughing her head off. She looked like a mad person laughing and laughing non-stop. I could not make out what was happening. It all seemed like a mad house, if you asked me. Suddenly she took out a Magnum 45 behind her back and pointed it right at me saying goodbye. “I’ll see yer in hell you bastard,” and shot three rounds at me none of which impacted on my body, instead the awful woman fell to the floor in a pool of blood with three shots in her head. My wife was standing in the door to the dining room with a smoking gun in her hands. My mother-in-law’s gun had not shot one single bullet, maybe it was rusted and did not work. That is in the end what the police told me later. My wife was taken in custody and I was left alone again repairing the broken windows. The bitter cold was now waging at my body, so I ducked myself into bed and woke up, Rio de Janeiro was looking beautiful this morning.

 

Happy Ever After

Hi, today is a perfect day... the sun is shinning ... there are no sunspots on the sun, according to NASA... so we are having a wonderful weather (cosmic weather, in fact). Here in my country the weather is too good, it should be rainning more often... yes you guessed ... we are having a terrible drought, but this is not the Sahara, no sir, this is the famous pampas with grain up to our necks, cows everywhere, sheep, pork, licking at our boots, sleeping in our bedrooms ! Wow... that was a few years ago... now... Well, lets talk of something else, shall we?

CFK and her consort of bullish advisors (not for being savvy guys but for being bullies !) have come to the conclusion that this country is entitled to save the world ! Yes sir ! We people of the southern hemisphere (note: I will never disclose which country I am living in, but you are clever enough to guess, I guess !) are so brilliant that the next century will have its north in the south ! And all thanks to CFK and her penguin husband. Yeah... they are both Patagonian and then some... but to save the world from there... better said from here to there, there is a greater distance than to the next sale at Macy's (let me know if I'm wrong).

Anyway, the world shall be saved by a bunch of gladiators storming into Wall Street and cashing on the bull in front of the building. These guys have been preparing themselves like Navy Seals only better... because, you know what? They are the ones the CIA, the FBI, the NSA, the Mossad, Interpol and all the security agencies combined have been looking for since who knows when... and mind you they are the best in town... yeah... because they know nothing about the countryside, they are city dwellers, city junkies, who can crack into anything, be that a PC, a Mac or a Big Mac (especially the last one). And these people are being hired by Mr Penguin (not the Batman one, or maybe I'm wrong,... never mind...). He is offering not just a salary or a payment for their services but a big stake of the cake (one of the 500 that Lady Diana Spencer did not even give a bite when she visited the Patagonian Welsh about 10 years ago. But that's another story).

In the mean time President Bush is laughing his head off after all those fulls in Congress voted his financial bailout. You know... we won't be better off with that... so start crying because when the storm rages in full you won't have timeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......................